An Oh Crap Moment...

Ever have one of those moments where you see an Ex from afar and the first thing that happens is that your heart sinks and that little voice in your head says, "Let's hope she doesn't see you." No sooner does your inner-self say that, they see you and say "Hi, how are you?"
Did they hear my inner-self? If so I need to tell that guy to whisper next time. That happened to me today... I hadn't seen her in a few years and I was shocked she smiled and seemed happy to see me, than again we all can fake that type of thing when we're in an awkward moment. She was with someone as was I, a part of me wanted to stop to talk but there was a part of me that didn't and a sense of hate and sadness came over me.

It's stupid that someone can have that sort of effect on me but had I stopped the conversation would've been awkward as we exchanged the usual polite pleasantries avoiding the awkward topics that I'm sure both of us would be pondering, not to mention how our friends would've felt because the tension would've been just awkward. So really stopping wasn't an option, just a "keeping on walking, polite smile and a "Hi, How are you? - Good." and keep on trucking.

My friend and I ended up walking the Market and came back in through another door and as luck would have it, guess who we run into again but this time, she pretended to not even see me - probably best and what did she expect really? This might go back to a couple months ago when I got an out of the blue text message from her... Let me explain.

A couple months ago, around the time I broke up with my last girlfriend, I got a text from this one ex, saying,

"Im sorry for everything I do to you".

More than out of the blue I would say. Again the heart sunk and raced a bit - Why even bother after a few years, especially after she moved on???

I ask her what difference it makes whether I hate her because in the end she got what she wanted, (a new man and married again). Her response,

"I was just thinking of you...and I'm truly sorry."

Now many of my friends would say she's just looking for attention or to play mind games for whatever reason which did cross my mind but I also thought maybe she does feel guilty about how it all played out in the end, although how she feels about it isn't my problem and maybe her feeling bad isn't such a bad thing, maybe it will force her to work on things when Life throws the occasional curve ball or her marriage gets a bit tough.

Anyhow the text-versation goes on... she asks whether I hate her. Again, moot point what difference does it make? To be honest I did hate her, more than anyone I can think of but I hadn't really thought about it in a long time and I told her what difference would it make if I did? We each have good memories and a part of me does hate her but a part of me still Loves her (Ya a big problem). Back when things were good between us I told her that I'd wait for her and that in the end I had to give that up, I think of the good times and try and let the bad not bother me. Probably the most vague answer one could give to the whole question,

"Do you hate me?"

So she asked me again. I probably just should've said, " Yes." and the conversation would've been done and over with and today would've played out much differently, I would've been ignored from the start. :P I replied that I did at one point but that now I don't think about it much.

Apparently, thought it's something that mattered to her so I explained to her that when she initially broke up with me that yes I did and that I did again when she told me she was getting married again. I broke it down to her that I try to think of the good times an that usually when someone breaks up with someone, one of them feels hurt and ends up hating the other person to some degree but that's what happens when you look out for yourself right? Whether my heart was broken and whether I hate her makes no difference, at least to her. She replied back,

"It just does... I wish you all the best bryan... and I hope that life treats you well."

I remember my first instinct was to reply, "Ya thanks but don't bother, Life hasn't treated me well since you left me." But I held back lol I just said that I'll just have to see what happens and that I hope the same for her. I explained to her that she had gotten to me like no other and that it's been tough to get back from that. I got as a response,

"Ditto. Thank you for always being there for me and making me smile." Again I wish I had the backbone to just say, "Well apparently that wasn't enough." But she went on to say,

"Thank you Bry. You are very special and you always will be to me."

I hated her calling me "Bry", there are only a few people I feel comfortable saying that to me, I think there's are like 4 people that call me that on a regular basis and she was never one I liked calling me that.

By now you're probably thinking I should've just ignored and not replied back to her any more but noooooooooo. I wrote back,

"Your happiniess was all that mattered to me. Felt like the rug was yanked from me cuz I thought things were working out my way, career was great and was with the most amazing woman."
"Just don't ever lost faith in yourself."

She replied,

"It's hard for me to keep faith having to live with what I did to you. I think about it everyday and I just want to sincerely apologize."

A few days later I was bugged by the whole conversation and why it mattered whether I hated her or not. I dont' understand why it woudl be hard for her to keep the faith, just doesn't make much sense to me. Her answer was short,

"I was just curious bryan."

Ah, so she was a bit annoyed it seems. I told her that I thought she was the one that hated me actually, and she replied that she never did hate me and closed with,

"Yes we all have moved on and i wish you the happiness in the world."

Fast forward to today and how it played out, I'm sure I won't be hearing from her again, it was obvious that I didn't want to stand and chat and I felt awkward so I must've looked a bit awkward so really at the end of the day the fact that when we walked by each other the second time and exchanged zero pleasantries is a good thing because now I think she's on the receiving end of someone not having anything to do with her. I have a habit of staying friends with Exes and for some it's ok but other's it's just not a good idea and she's one of them. I never want to be friends with her and she can't have that, doesn't deserve my friendship as I'm sure I'm not deserving to be friends with some of my Exes. C'est la vie right. She told me once that she's never stayed friends with an Ex, now she know's that it works both ways.

Question is, will I find anything that intense again? We shall see.

Gotta love Ottawa for being small. :P lol

Thunderstorm

I'm reminded that the pain is still there, lingering like the storm clouds above but I try to ignore it
It will blow over and I can continue to ignore it
The wind picks up; I feel a rain drop fall and tickle the back of my neck, like she used to. I wonder if it was all a sham. Were her feelings true?
Lightning cracks across the sky like her words that day she broke my heart
I ride the bus, too distracted to read
The rain comes down - pounding the pavement washing away the grime
I wish I was in the rain
I get off the bus, it's raining hard
I exit the terminal, the rain pounds the ground around me
Within moments I'm soaked but the pain still hasn't washed away
Lightning crashes across the sky and the thunder rips into my heart
Will she ever know how much she hurt me?
Does she even think about me?
Even with the people around me running from the rain I feel alone
I walk in the rain, not caring how wet I'm getting
Tears well up but I fight them off at least I win that battle
My compassion used against me
I get it, it's best kept under a rock
I see your picture, you're smiling
I smile slightly as I remember the times you smiled at me with those loving eyes
Then I realize you are gone and along with it my smile
Damn you

A Happy Valentines Day To The One And Only

This isn't a rant, far from it in fact, it's more of Valentines Day card (note I guess) to someone I fell in love with over a year ago... Maybe she'll read it one day

Dawn,
I've got so much to say and I know I'll want to say more once this has been sent.

I hope you're doing well, I wish I could be there for you or do something...

There's not a day that goes by that I'm not thinking about you. There's not a night that goes by that I'm not staring up at your star wondering if you're looking up at it, reminiscing about us or thinking about me.

I pray every night that you're ok, that you're safe and getting better because even if I become a stranger to you, this world would not be complete without you in it.

I still love you, that hasn't changed and never will, I meant it when I said "I love you forever and always."

You came into my life and you showed me what Love is.

I know I'm not defined by the people around me (rather it's the experiences or maybe it's a bit of both. :P ) but you've done something to me and you've opened my eyes to a world I didn't even know existed and I miss that.

I miss sharing our dreams together, places we'd go together
I miss laughing with you
I miss your smile
I miss how you care about everyone and the kindness you showed them
I miss how you smell
I miss how soft your hair is
I miss the tenderness in your eyes
I miss how you'd look at me and how it gave me butterflies every time
I miss your touch
I miss your voice
I miss hearing about your day and how you always asked me about mine
I miss your sweet emails and your kind words
I miss learning something new about you every day
I miss watching movies with you cuddled up on the couch because being close to you is the closest I've ever been to heaven.
Most of all I miss you and everything about you.

Happy Valentines Day Dawn.



- Thinking of you always
*soft kiss*
Bryan

I Don't Know How This Works!!

Is what I heard from a woman one night while trying to open the door on the bus so she could get off. See apparently the 12 inch yellow bar on either side of the door that clearly says, "Push here" and for those that are illiterate, there's one of those stick drawing on the door showing what you need to do. Clearly this woman was stupid, what I don't understand is why tell everyone that she doesn't know how to open the door? Just ask the person seating near the door for help or something. I didn't help her because I was too far away and I was having too much fun just shaking my head in disbelief.

For shits and giggles Sunday I popped into The Bay to see if they had any cheap area rugs, figuring I might be able to cash in on some post Christmas sale or at least window shop and see what's out there and dream. I find exactly what I'm looking for in a large pile of area rugs on the floor but it was freakin' huge... I mean 8' x 11' huge. I asked the salesman how much for that shag rug on the floor (I couldn't see a price tag) he says $600 regular and because they have a sale on right now I could get it for $350. He got my attention but he said he would double check. Don't worry I wasn't going to buy it, I wasn't even sure if it would fit in my TV room and I'm not going to make a mistake like that. He comes back 10 minutes later saying that he made a mistake and that the sale price is $600... (Original price $1200) Ok, no deal!! :) I said thank you and went on my merry way. What I don't understand is that they have a huge pile of area rugs and they aren't moving, why not put them on sale for 70%, I'd buy two! :) Ok I wouldn't but he would've had a sale that afternoon. :)

Last Post of 2005

I wonder how many people have that either in their blog title or somewhere in their actual post today? :)

Every year people make New Years Resolutions that never or at least rarely get carried out to the fullest so rather than make some unattainable resolutions, I'm gonna keep them within reach.

1. Go somewhere I've never been before... Destination Europe. Two close friends of mine did a tour of Europe last year and they both loved it and suggested that now I'm single I should do the same thing, apparently it would do me some good. Oh and visit my friend Sara when I do this to, she's probably one of the coolest girls I know. Also on the itinerary, go to California and visit Sabina and Kraig, I haven't seen Sabina since the summer and I haven't seen Kraig since their wedding 4 years ago.
   
2. Take better care of myself... Yes this is the old classic New Years Resolution "Exercise more, aka go to the Gym" but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately and I have tons of free time these days so rather than occupy my free time by staying at work which isn't healthy, I'll go do something that is healthy. Eat better to, my fridge is usually empty and I probably eat too many microwave dinners and I do like to cook, cooking for myself sorta sucks but it's good practice for when I have to cook for someone else. :)
   
3. Be more productive at work, I think I had a good year but there's room for improvement and the fact I was thrown onto a project 14 days before it went 'live' scared the crap out of me but someone thought I could do it so I don't want to let them down and it's one hell of an opportunity to learn new stuff. :P
   
4. Finish getting my MCSE, ya I know it probably won't get me anymore money where I currently am but it might if I go somewhere else... I also want to see if I can actually get it too.
   
5. Be more honest... (Hmmmm maybe that should be closer to the top??) Let me qualify, be more honest with myself. Ya I know I should always be honest with myself but sometimes we all have moments of dishonesty to keep other people happy or to avoid conflict. I say to hell with that. :)
   
6. Be more financially responsible, get rid of my debt or at least bring it down to something that's not so freakin' scary. :)

A short list of stuff I think I can seriously accomplish this year.

I've recently had this urge to buy furniture for my apartment, I don't know why and I certainly can't afford it but I could seriously use a nicer chair in my living room and I would like to get a fouton for my office and maybe furnish it a bit better rather than being some place to put my bike and computer. :) I'd like to get an area rug for my living room too because the floor gets extremely cold in the winter and it's bad enough that my windows leak and who seriously wants to wear slippers all the time? and it would help me hide the speaker cables when I finally get my rear speakers for my entertainment system.

If money wasn't a problem I'd get a nice arm chair to match my couch and a one of those funky lounge chairs - you know one of those ones where you're lying down a bit, I think they are called Chaise. I'd love to get a new bedroom set, the one I have now I've had since I was a kid and it's just not me anymore. :) Ahhhhh to dream. :)

Anyhow to who ever is reading this "Happy New Years" and good luck with those resolutions, stick to them. ;)

Does Art Imitate Life? Or Does Life Imitate Art??

I've recently been thinking if romance and all that crazy stuff we see in romantic movies (and romantic comedies); read in novels, hear in all sorts of music. Do people really do all that crazy love stuff? Or is it a case of, "This is what I could d if the situation really happened?" Is it some figment of their over-active imagination? Do people fall in love or just come to some realization at some point and say to themselves, "Well, I'm (insert age) and (insert name here) is probably the best I can do. Sure they have these faults and issues I can't stand but I don't think I can do any better?"

What's a hopeless romantic? Why are they hopeless? Are they hopeless because what they are looking for doesn't exist? I couldn't find a dictionary definition for it (I only checked www.dictionary.com) but I did come across the following definition from a site aptly called Hopeless Romantic:

"people who find romance in every situation, who love being in love, or even only a semblance of that sublime emotion."

Check out what The Urban Dictionary defines a hopeless romantic as.

Ok maybe not the most definitive sources on what a hopeless romantic is but if I were to take a stab at it after reading those definitions I would say that "hopeless romantic" is someone that wears their heart on the their sleeve, throws caution to the wind and expresses their love for someone through some wild romantic gesture; they don't care what happens or who know's or what the possible consequences are of their actions because at the end of it all they've got their woman or their man - or they at least hope to.

Can someone be a hopeless romantic when they are with someone? How can it be hopeless if they are already in love and that special someone is in love with them? I think at that point it's just called "being romantic". :)

So getting back to the whole does art imitate life or vice versa thing... Did people ever say before Tom Cruise immortalized the phrase, "You complete me." ? Or have people ever run into a New Years Eve party wearing jeans and some shirt, all out of breath and pour their heart out to some fantastic woman and how he loves all the little nuances and annoyances she has? Like Billy Crystal's character in When Harry Met Sally? Take your pick of love songs or novel. Are people like that in real life?

I'd like to think so but I also think the majority of people have some sort of romance filter. Think of all the times when you were woo-ing or being wooed by your current girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife. Do you still do all those things you did to win their heart? If not, why? Is there no point now that you have them and if that's the case does that classify being romantic back in the day as a big lie?

Sure people get comfortable with their loved one, they fall into some sort of relationship routine or maybe because they've won their loved one over they don't do the special stuff or wear the nice clothes or buy flowers "just because", continue to go to the gym because they are saving it for some special occasion or they don't want to spoil the sanctity of all that is romantic. Isn't not doing those nice things that send a shiver down her spine, get you all excited the whole point? I'd say not doing is spoiling the sanctity of romance.

I'm sure there are numerous other reasons why people don't do those nice things for their loved one anymore or even someone they are just interested in.

• No time
• No money
• It goes unappreciated
• It leads to other things
• Too tired
• He/She will think I'm a stalker or at least creepy

I'm sure there are more but that's what I could come up with but I'd be interested in knowing why else people aren't hopeless romantics. :)

I'd like to think that all these movies, TV shows, song, book writters are pulling their inspiration from life experiences, sure some of it seems over the top but I can't remember the last time I heard a truly original romantic gesture that someone did for someone else. I've had my share of romantic gestures over the years and I'd like to say that I had hopeless romantic tendencies but it never garnered the desired reaction, like almost as if it was some sort of defacto standard or it was taken for granted or that it was expected, or just plain un-called for.

Which brings me to ... Is there that one special someone out there for everyone? I can't honestly believe there's just one. How many billion people are their in the world? Maybe one in the immediate city you live in but not the entire world. :) Does everyone find that special someone or do they settle for second best? I suppose you can look at divorce rate numbers in Canada and the U.S and say that there are an aweful lot of people that haven't found "The One." :)

If I were to think of all the people that I know that are with someone, there are some that are with their soulmate and some that are not (well I have trouble seeing it anyhow). I know some people that are unhappy but think they can't do any better or are lonely, although they are with someone. (I've been in that situation.)

I guess people just give up looking because of age and they want certain things and they'll take whatever comes close to their ideal person but isn't that a cop out? Is it a good idea to give up looking for that special someone and settle? If starting a family is so important shouldn't you be with the right person so that the love that exists between two people results in a child that will be raised with the same values and love that brought the parents together? Isn't that how the world is suppose to improve and be a better place? Ok, maybe I'm pushing it a bit on that one but I don't think I'm too far off. :)

Are romantic gestures overshadowed by the fact that everyone is too smart for their own good and rather than take it for what it is they think it's some ticket to get into their pants? (Who's not guilty of doing that at some point??) :P

You know, people shouldn't stop doing the nice things they used to do, there's no excuse so maybe as a New Years Resolution, somewhere between "Go to the gym" and "Be more financially responsible. People should, "Wear their hearts on their sleeve, just go for it and be romantic just because and not because Hallmark tells you to." :)

Merry Christmas.

Cursed Hole in My Sock

Alright I have a hole in my sock and I swear it wasn't there when I put the sock on this morning. Stupid sock!! The question that remains is should I mend the sock or just chuck the pair and get a new pair?

So my sister asks me, "after you kiss a girl - would you EVER start talking about how your ex kissed you"

My response, "nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo".

Ok, granted the guy that kissed her is 22 but he should know better!! Dumbass! If you're gonna date my sister don't be a retard! :) His saving grace was that made her a CD, good to see the whole making a tape (CD in this case) for that special someone hasn't gone the way of the dodo bird. :) Ok he drag and dropped his playlist but hey it's still cute.

I better not find that little punk and her in my apt. when I get home tomorrow. :)