An Oh Crap Moment...

Ever have one of those moments where you see an Ex from afar and the first thing that happens is that your heart sinks and that little voice in your head says, "Let's hope she doesn't see you." No sooner does your inner-self say that, they see you and say "Hi, how are you?"
Did they hear my inner-self? If so I need to tell that guy to whisper next time. That happened to me today... I hadn't seen her in a few years and I was shocked she smiled and seemed happy to see me, than again we all can fake that type of thing when we're in an awkward moment. She was with someone as was I, a part of me wanted to stop to talk but there was a part of me that didn't and a sense of hate and sadness came over me.

It's stupid that someone can have that sort of effect on me but had I stopped the conversation would've been awkward as we exchanged the usual polite pleasantries avoiding the awkward topics that I'm sure both of us would be pondering, not to mention how our friends would've felt because the tension would've been just awkward. So really stopping wasn't an option, just a "keeping on walking, polite smile and a "Hi, How are you? - Good." and keep on trucking.

My friend and I ended up walking the Market and came back in through another door and as luck would have it, guess who we run into again but this time, she pretended to not even see me - probably best and what did she expect really? This might go back to a couple months ago when I got an out of the blue text message from her... Let me explain.

A couple months ago, around the time I broke up with my last girlfriend, I got a text from this one ex, saying,

"Im sorry for everything I do to you".

More than out of the blue I would say. Again the heart sunk and raced a bit - Why even bother after a few years, especially after she moved on???

I ask her what difference it makes whether I hate her because in the end she got what she wanted, (a new man and married again). Her response,

"I was just thinking of you...and I'm truly sorry."

Now many of my friends would say she's just looking for attention or to play mind games for whatever reason which did cross my mind but I also thought maybe she does feel guilty about how it all played out in the end, although how she feels about it isn't my problem and maybe her feeling bad isn't such a bad thing, maybe it will force her to work on things when Life throws the occasional curve ball or her marriage gets a bit tough.

Anyhow the text-versation goes on... she asks whether I hate her. Again, moot point what difference does it make? To be honest I did hate her, more than anyone I can think of but I hadn't really thought about it in a long time and I told her what difference would it make if I did? We each have good memories and a part of me does hate her but a part of me still Loves her (Ya a big problem). Back when things were good between us I told her that I'd wait for her and that in the end I had to give that up, I think of the good times and try and let the bad not bother me. Probably the most vague answer one could give to the whole question,

"Do you hate me?"

So she asked me again. I probably just should've said, " Yes." and the conversation would've been done and over with and today would've played out much differently, I would've been ignored from the start. :P I replied that I did at one point but that now I don't think about it much.

Apparently, thought it's something that mattered to her so I explained to her that when she initially broke up with me that yes I did and that I did again when she told me she was getting married again. I broke it down to her that I try to think of the good times an that usually when someone breaks up with someone, one of them feels hurt and ends up hating the other person to some degree but that's what happens when you look out for yourself right? Whether my heart was broken and whether I hate her makes no difference, at least to her. She replied back,

"It just does... I wish you all the best bryan... and I hope that life treats you well."

I remember my first instinct was to reply, "Ya thanks but don't bother, Life hasn't treated me well since you left me." But I held back lol I just said that I'll just have to see what happens and that I hope the same for her. I explained to her that she had gotten to me like no other and that it's been tough to get back from that. I got as a response,

"Ditto. Thank you for always being there for me and making me smile." Again I wish I had the backbone to just say, "Well apparently that wasn't enough." But she went on to say,

"Thank you Bry. You are very special and you always will be to me."

I hated her calling me "Bry", there are only a few people I feel comfortable saying that to me, I think there's are like 4 people that call me that on a regular basis and she was never one I liked calling me that.

By now you're probably thinking I should've just ignored and not replied back to her any more but noooooooooo. I wrote back,

"Your happiniess was all that mattered to me. Felt like the rug was yanked from me cuz I thought things were working out my way, career was great and was with the most amazing woman."
"Just don't ever lost faith in yourself."

She replied,

"It's hard for me to keep faith having to live with what I did to you. I think about it everyday and I just want to sincerely apologize."

A few days later I was bugged by the whole conversation and why it mattered whether I hated her or not. I dont' understand why it woudl be hard for her to keep the faith, just doesn't make much sense to me. Her answer was short,

"I was just curious bryan."

Ah, so she was a bit annoyed it seems. I told her that I thought she was the one that hated me actually, and she replied that she never did hate me and closed with,

"Yes we all have moved on and i wish you the happiness in the world."

Fast forward to today and how it played out, I'm sure I won't be hearing from her again, it was obvious that I didn't want to stand and chat and I felt awkward so I must've looked a bit awkward so really at the end of the day the fact that when we walked by each other the second time and exchanged zero pleasantries is a good thing because now I think she's on the receiving end of someone not having anything to do with her. I have a habit of staying friends with Exes and for some it's ok but other's it's just not a good idea and she's one of them. I never want to be friends with her and she can't have that, doesn't deserve my friendship as I'm sure I'm not deserving to be friends with some of my Exes. C'est la vie right. She told me once that she's never stayed friends with an Ex, now she know's that it works both ways.

Question is, will I find anything that intense again? We shall see.

Gotta love Ottawa for being small. :P lol